I’d like to keep this brief, but at the same time I wouldn’t mind venting the morose mess of existence I admittedly feel.
My skepticism of how school serves as a tool for betterment, or in my reality, believing it to be a crutch to keep me grounded and submitting to the flow of normalcy – succeed, work hard, accomplish your dreams. The melatonin hasn’t helped. The doses have been random, but I still enjoy passing out after a null day of classes. Dropping alone in my room, my quiet bed embracing me. It feels like a running gag of routine and an almost-desperate need for silence, and a stopper to the masses called college students. Even if I’m one of them, feeling comfortable anywhere, even at home feels…unlikely. So far, it feels unlikely.
Like a wound, refusing to let me go. Strength in the form of trembling hands.
So far, I’m still alive, even if wanting to occasionally end my young self. Some friends say I have greatness in me. Some say I don’t give myself enough credit. My father used to say that I had the world by the balls. I only want the world to let me sleep and not think so goddamn much but instead I’m always wanting to avoid sleep and avoid people and avoid giving a damn because I keep giving a damn because I care about others even if they care not for me and I just want to be okay, I just wan-
To mean okay.
Only with coffee and hope, lately. The lifeblood of an English major who feels not enough of himself to do any good, or to make any ounce of credible pain worthwhile like Bukowski – is my life crappy enough to be considered a blessing? Have I earned the right to say how I feel and let my words be stolen through the minds of others, their varied thinking from what I write? The beauty of my property becoming more than sweetly aged paper? The privilege of being remember?
Or am I just relevant because I haven’t chosen to leave yet. Or afraid to leave. Or just holding my breath as I type another sentence out with a fair amount of dignity. (Or not)
Or hope. Or resolve. Or because I’m still here. Still afraid.